Summary: After Uther walks in on Arthur and Merlin for the third time, he decides to teach them about safe sex. Modern AU.
Word Count: 550 words
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
“So, on a scale of one to ten, how embarrassing is it that my father just walked in on us? Again?” Arthur asked quietly, cheeks still burning red.
Merlin burrowed his head into Arthur’s pillows. “A twelve,” he said, voice muffled. “Maybe even a thirteen.”
Arthur sighed. “That’s what I thought,” he groaned and slumped down onto the bed.
“You said he wasn’t going to be at home today!” Merlin said, face now visible to Arthur. It was red but, unlike ten minutes ago, it was out of humiliation rather than arousal.
“He said he wasn’t going to be here!”
“This is the third time it’s happened, Arthur,” Merlin responded, voice going further into hysterics. “The third time! You need to get a lock for your room.”
“He won’t allow it, you know that. Why can’t we just go to your house?”
Merlin’s mouth pursed. “I have stuffed animals that I got when I was two in that room! We – we can’t do it in front of them.”
Arthur rolled his eyes in exasperation. “They don’t have eyes, Merlin! They’re not real!”
Merlin opened his mouth to respond when there was a knock on the door. Merlin and Arthur looked at one another with dread.
“Yes?” Arthur said hesitantly.
“It’s your father,” Uther said. “May I come in?”
Merlin’s looked like a deer in the headlights and he shook his head vehemently. “Father,” Arthur said finally. “We’re not exactly, uh, decent.”
“I’ve already seen that,” Uther said, then cleared his throat. “It’ll just be a minute.”
Merlin looked like he’d rather the bed swallow him whole but Arthur agreed, making sure they were both covered by the sheets.
Uther came in with a medium-sized wicker basket in his arms. He put it on Arthur’s bed, avoiding looking at Merlin’s undressed state and instead focused on his son. “These,” he said, reaching into the basket and pulling out several multi-colored condoms and dumping them on the bed. “are condoms.”
Arthur heard Merlin’s take a deep inhale and his own heart felt like it was running five times too fast. “Father…”
Uther shook his head. “I’m not done,” he said and then reached for a dozen small packets of lube and threw them on top of the condoms. “These are lubricants.”
Merlin made an audible choking noise.
“Oh God, father,” Arthur started but Uther made a shushing noise. He took out three leaflets, the first entitled For Teenagers: Your First Gay Relationship, the second How to Have Safe Anal Sex, and third The Dangers of STDS and STIS.
“You will read these,” Uther said. “And you will use these.” He pointed to the condom and lube pile. “You will be safe. Am I understood?”
Arthur and Merlin both nodded in unison, wanting Uther to leave so they could both die of mortification in peace.
“Very good,” he said and left, leaving the basket and it’s contents on the bed.
“So,” Arthur said after a moment, still somewhat mystified. “Scale of one to ten, how embarrassing was that?”
Arthur nodded. “Definitely a twenty.”
Taken from kinkme_merlin: After Uther finds out about them being into a relationship, he presses them to have sex responsibly, but they barely listen to him when he talks about this stuff, especially if it's directed to them. So Uther decides to leave leafltes of safe sex on Arthur's bed for them to find. Along with lube and condoms. Lots of them.
Author's Notes: Comments are great and always appreciated! And feel free to friend this journal - I will friend back! This is my first real post on Livejournal and I feel quite a bit like the new kid at school so friends are always nice.